Bully. The word conjures up
very specific images for people. Whether it was mild teasing on
the playground or a more harsh form of physical abuse, nearly
everyone has had the misfortune of being bullied at some time
during their lives.
Once considered just part of
being a kid, bullying is no longer being shrugged off so
readily. Perhaps this is because so many adults know how it
feels to be picked on and understand that bullying can leave
long-lasting emotional scars. Or maybe it is because we are now
seeing that bullying can lead to violence against others (In
each of the nation’s recent school shootings, the shooter had
been a victim of bullying).
Regardless, a movement is
underway to stop bullying in schools, before it becomes a much
more serious problem.
Common characteristics of
bullying
Bullying is generally:
-
Physical - hitting, kicking, taking or
damaging the victim’s property;
-
Verbal - using words to
hurt or humiliate;
-
Relational -spreading rumors, excluding
a person from the peer group; or
-
Sexual - using suggestive words or
inappropriate touch.
Bullying usually occurs between individuals
who are not friends. The bully may be bigger, tougher, stronger,
more intimidating, or more influential in excluding others from
their social group.
Bullying has three specific characteristics
that sets it apart from normal name calling or rough housing:
-
There is a power difference between the
bully and the victim.
-
The bully intends to hurt, embarrass or
humiliate the other person.
-
The behavior is repeated-sometimes with
others or with the same person over time.
Helping your child deal with
bullies
Laura Combs, a school social worker and
counselor who works with teachers and families on violence
prevention, offers the following suggestions:
Identify the problem - Combs says often
children who have been bullied may not want to talk about it.
Signs that your child has a problem are sometimes obvious- a
torn shirt or complaints of feeling ill to avoid going to
school-or the evidence may be more subtle. If you sense there is
something troubling your child, you should listen carefully to
what she does offer about her school day and try to draw her out
("So you didn’t like riding the bus today? Did something
happen that made you feel uncomfortable?" "Did you
have a good time at soccer practice? No? Why not?"). Before
choosing what action to take, Combs recommends getting as much
information as you can from your child.
Decide what to do about it -Different
situations will warrant different approaches. If your child is
being picked on by another child while moving from class to
class, you might recommend that he change the route he takes or
that he stick close to the hall monitor. Often a change of
scenery or the presence of authority is enough to end the
situation. If you believe your child is experiencing physical
threats or abuse, you should alert the guidance office or
administration.
Regardless of the action you and your child
take, the key is to help your child believe she is capable of
solving the problem for herself. "Your reaction speaks
volumes to your child," says Combs. "If you treat her
like a victim, then that is how she is likely to view
herself."
Other suggestions
In his book Why is Everybody Always
Picking on Me? A Guide to Handling Bullies, Dr. Terrence
Webster-Doyle offers young people the following suggestions for
dealing with bullies:
-
Make friends. Treat the bully as a
friend instead of an enemy.
-
Use humor. You can try to turn a
threatening situation into a funny one.
-
Walk away. Don’t get into it; just get
out.
-
Agree with the bully. Let insults go
without fighting back.
-
Refuse to fight. The winner of a fight
is the one who avoids it.
-
Stand up to the bully. Stick up for
yourself. Just say "No!" to bullying.
-
Scream and yell. A powerful shout can
end conflict before it starts.
-
Ignore the threat. Be like bamboo and
bend in the wind.
-
Use authority. Call a parent, teacher,
principal, or guidance counselor to help you defeat the
bully.
(This book can be purchased from the Atrium
Society, www.atriumsociety.org
or by calling 1-800-848-6021.)
