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With all the talk about school-age bullying, the focus tends to be on the physical forms of bullying, particularly among boys. Researchers who study the behavior of girls from preschool through the college years have found that girls can be just as aggressive as boys, but often in different ways. Instead of fighting with their fists, girls tend to lash out with words and by excluding others. 

Cliques, taunts, rumors and name-calling —often dismissed as rites-of-passage during the pre-teen and teenage years — are in fact bullying that can hurt as much, if not more, than fists. Research shows that children who are emotionally or relationally bullied can suffer high levels of stress, depression and loneliness. Depending on the extent of the bullying, the emotional scars may stay with them well into adulthood. Victims of bullying can find it hard to form friendships and work well in groups because of a lack of trust. They may also have difficulty controlling their emotions and may turn to drugs, alcohol or experiment early with sex as a way of coping with their pain. 

Unlike physical bullying — a black eye is an obvious sign that someone’s been hit — relational bullying is often subtle and under-the-radar — a nasty look in class, name calling in the hall, derogatory instant messaging or e-mail —that teachers and parents usually don’t see. By the time most children have the courage to tell a friend or adult what’s happening, the emotional bullying has likely been going on for quite some time — along with lots of damage to their self-esteem and confidence.

Helping kids cope with relational bullying
Knowing how to deal with relational bullying can be difficult for families. Many find it hard to believe that the sweet little girls they knew in fourth grade are now middle school enemies. In her book Queen Bees and Wannabes, Rosalind Wiseman writes that competition during the preteen and teenage years about looks, popularity, friends, boys, grades and sports are often what drive girls apart—and encourage them to bully each other. 

Prevention and early education can go a long way toward helping your children weather relational bullying if they experience it. Following are some suggestions collected from parents whose children have been bullied, from counselors and resource officers that work with middle schoolers and from popular research on the topic: 

• Keep the lines of communication open. Though middle school is a time when children begin to pull away from their families and look more to their friends for guidance and approval, you are still a very important part of their lives. Take the time each day to ask your children open ended questions — those that require more than a “yes,” “no” or “nothing” to answer. Ask about friends, school, their likes and dislikes and patiently listen to what they answer. Even if it seems trivial to you, it’s what’s important to them. These daily conversations about anything and everything will give you insight into their lives and may provide clues about what’s troubling them, like bullying. How to Say it to Girls by Nancy Gruver, available on-line and from New Moon publishing, www.newmoon.org, offers ideas that help keep the lines of communication open with your growing children. 

• Know your children’s friends and their families. Your child’s circle of friends may change or expand once they enter the middle school. This is a time when many kids begin to learn about themselves – and establishing new friendships is as much a part of self-expression as the clothes they wear or how they style their hair.
Knowing who your kids are hanging out with, and what they and their families value, can help as you guide your middle schooler toward bully-free relations.

• Practice what you preach. Though it may not always seem like it, middle schoolers still look to their parents for guidance on how to act and navigate their world. By responding calmly to stressful situations and being tolerant of others’ differences, you send a positive message to your children about how grown-ups act. 

• Let your children know, from an early age, that relational bullying can happen. Ideally, families should begin talking about bullying when children are young — more and more, relational bullying is happening during the elementary years. 

Studies by The Ophelia Project (www.opheliaproject.org) show that that 50 percent of middle school students do not report relational aggressive behaviors to teachers or administrators. Let kids know it is important to report bullying. Make it safe for your children to tell you about the things they have seen and what bothers them. If they tell an adult at the school, reporting can be done anonymously, often a central concern of students at this age. Parents are also encouraged to call the principal or guidance counselor if they feel their child is being bullied.

Queen Bees and Wannabes
Rosalind Wiseman, cofounder of the Empower program and author of the book, Queen Bees & Wannabes, has studied girls’ behavior for years. The title of the book comes from Wiseman’s description of the many different groups in “girl world.” Certain girls are “queen bees” — those that become popular by excluding some while showering favor on others. Many other girls fall into a category she terms “wannabes” — girls that want to be popular and often go along with whatever the “queen bee” does or asks so that they stay in her good graces.

Still others are considered “bystanders” -— those that don’t want to lose their popular status, but often feel conflicted about the way the “queen bee” and her clique treat others. According to Wiseman, both the “wannabes” and “bystanders” are as much a part of the bullying problem as the “queen bees.” 

In her book, Wiseman describes the way these groups and others interact — working to include or exclude each other. She also offers positive information for families that can help them keep the lines of communication open with their teens, help them feel good about themselves and teach them to make choices that don’t include being mean to others. This book was the basis for Mean Girls, a film that can serve as a great conversation starter for you and your children. 

The ugly face of bullying

Bullying can take several forms:
• Physical: hitting, kicking, stealing or damaging the victim's property.
• Verbal: using words to hurt or humiliate.
• Relational: spreading rumors, excluding a person from the peer group.
• Prejudicial: making racial slurs, making fun of cultural, religious or other differences.
• Sexual harassment: using suggestive words or inappropriate touch.

Bullying usually occurs between individuals who are not friends. The bully may be bigger, tougher, or have the power to exclude others from his or her social group.

Lots of kids joke around with each other. This may include name-calling or rough housing, but these incidents are not necessarily bullying. Bullying has three characteristics that sets it apart:
• There is a power difference between the bully and the victim.
• The bully intends to hurt, embarrass or humiliate the other person.
• The behavior is repeated, sometimes with others, with the same person, or with the same person over time.

Schools working to stem the tide of bullying
In 2000, New York Governor George Pataki signed into law the Safe Schools Against Violence in Education Act (Project SAVE) in response to the rise of violence, including bullying, in schools. Not only does this law require schools to include lessons on good character from kindergarten through grade 12, schools now are required to have in place clear policies on how bullying in schools will be handled. If you believe your child is being bullied, please contact the middle school at any of the phone numbers listed on the back page.