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Becoming a proactive high school parent

During the high school years, teens are learning about who they are —often shifting alliances from family to friends while also making more of their own decisions, both academically and personally.

In light of this, families can sometimes feel left out, thinking their teens no longer want or need their input and help. However, research shows that teens with parents who take an active interest in their lives and continue to play a role as an advocate in their learning do better during the high school years and beyond. The trick is learning how to support your teen without stifling his or her growing independence.

Staying connected without stifling your teen’s independence
In his book Surviving High School, school psychologist Michael Riera, Ph.D., writes that the most important way for parents to stay connected to teens is to begin thinking of themselves more as “consultants” who influence, instead of “managers” who control a teen’s every move and decision.
Making this shift takes some creative thinking and practice. Following are some ideas from parents, teachers and social workers that can help move you on the path toward becoming a proactive high school parent:

• Stay informed. Annual events such as family night or an open house are some of the best places to learn about the high school curriculum and about testing and graduation requirements. Here you will also be able to connect faces with the names of your teen’s teachers and other school staff. And although formal parent/teacher conferences are not the norm in high school, you can schedule less formal meetings with teachers and/or guidance counselors to discuss your teen’s academic performance at any time during the school year.

• Know when to lend a hand. By the time teens hit high school, teachers expect that they will be self-sufficient at handling their studies. Yet, despite their “I-can-handle-anything” stance, many teens lack the confidence to ask for help when they really need it. This can sometimes mean that learning difficulties don’t become apparent until a student receives a failing grade on the interim report—halfway through the school year.
If you have concerns about how your teen is doing academically, ask your teen to meet with you and his or her teachers to discuss your concerns and to learn what type of academic intervention services (AIS) are available to help your teen succeed. Unlike elementary and middle school, the grades teens receive throughout all four years of high school years will affect their ability to graduate—and may affect their options for college as well. The sooner learning problems are addressed, the more successful your teen will be with schoolwork, now and down the road.

• Provide homework help, as needed. Although teens may not ask directly for your help with homework anymore, you can still be involved by helping them find study tools, tutors, Internet resources and other reference materials. Unlike young children who want to be close by mom or dad during homework time, teens may want to retreat to their rooms or other private space when they work. Regardless of where teens choose to do homework, check in with them from time to time. Make sure they understand their assignments, have necessary supplies and aren’t creating distractions (e.g., watching television, talking on the phone or messaging friends) that are keeping them from staying on task with schoolwork.

• Help them prioritize. Review their schedules with them at the beginning of the school year and from time to time throughout the year to see if they are taking on more than they can reasonably handle. This review should include all of their schoolwork, extra-curricular activities, personal, family and social obligations. Schoolwork should be “job one” and should come before socializing and other non-school activities. Help your teen set priorities by dropping extracurricular activities or, if possible, rearranging times for them.

• Find teen-friendly ways to stay connected. Intense heart-to-hearts and lectures are two of the least effective ways to communicate with your teen. Instead, less direct approaches send the message that, while you really care about what’s happening for them, you respect that they are capable of handling things their own way. Try posting your daily reminders—chores that need doing, family obligations, items they need to remember to buy—on a bulletin or marker board located in a central space in your home. If you can’t be home after school, call or use teen-friendly tools such as e-mail, text messaging or two-way radios for a quick update on the school day and school assignments, to learn where they are going to be throughout the afternoon and early evening and to take some time to just connect, despite all of your busy schedules.

• Let them make more of their own decisions and learn from both their successes and failures. This is one of the best ways to encourage teens to become self-sufficient and resilient. If they ask for your advice, think before offering a solution to their dilemmas. Instead, help them stretch their decision-making muscles by reminding them of the successful ways they have solved their own problems in the past.