Parent Corner
Sticks and stones will break your bones…but names can hurt forever
Relational bullying in middle school
With all the talk about school-age bullying, the focus tends to be on the
physical forms of bullying, particularly among boys. Researchers who study the
behavior of girls from preschool through the college years have found that girls
can be just as aggressive as boys, but often in different ways. Instead of
fighting with their fists, girls tend to lash out with words and by excluding
others.
Cliques, taunts, rumors and name-calling —often dismissed as rites-of-passage
during the pre-teen and teenage years — are in fact bullying that can hurt as
much, if not more, than fists. Research shows that children who are emotionally
or relationally bullied can suffer high levels of stress, depression and
loneliness. Depending on the extent of the bullying, the emotional scars may
stay with them well into adulthood. Victims of bullying can find it hard to form
friendships and work well in groups because of a lack of trust. They may also
have difficulty controlling their emotions and may turn to drugs, alcohol or
experiment early with sex as a way of coping with their pain.
Unlike physical bullying — a black eye is an obvious sign that someone’s been
hit — relational bullying is often subtle and under-the-radar — a nasty look in
class, name calling in the hall, derogatory instant messaging or e-mail —that
teachers and parents usually don’t see. By the time most children have the
courage to tell a friend or adult what’s happening, the emotional bullying has
likely been going on for quite some time — along with lots of damage to their
self-esteem and confidence.
Helping kids cope with relational bullying
Knowing how to deal with relational bullying can be difficult for families. Many
find it hard to believe that the sweet little girls they knew in fourth grade
are now middle school enemies. In her book Queen Bees and Wannabes, Rosalind
Wiseman writes that competition during the preteen and teenage years about
looks, popularity, friends, boys, grades and sports are often what drive girls
apart—and encourage them to bully each other.
Prevention and early education can go a long way toward helping your children
weather relational bullying if they experience it. Following are some
suggestions collected from parents whose children have been bullied, from
counselors and resource officers that work with middle schoolers and from
popular research on the topic:
• Keep the lines of communication open. Though middle school is a time when
children begin to pull away from their families and look more to their friends
for guidance and approval, you are still a very important part of their lives.
Take the time each day to ask your children open ended questions — those that
require more than a “yes,” “no” or “nothing” to answer. Ask about friends,
school, their likes and dislikes and patiently listen to what they answer. Even
if it seems trivial to you, it’s what’s important to them. These daily
conversations about anything and everything will give you insight into their
lives and may provide clues about what’s troubling them, like bullying. How to
Say it to Girls by Nancy Gruver, available on-line and from New Moon publishing,
www.newmoon.org, offers ideas that help keep the lines of communication open
with your growing children.
• Know your children’s friends and their families. Your child’s circle of
friends may change or expand once they enter the middle school. This is a time
when many kids begin to learn about themselves – and establishing new
friendships is as much a part of self-expression as the clothes they wear or how
they style their hair.
Knowing who your kids are hanging out with, and what they and their families
value, can help as you guide your middle schooler toward bully-free relations.
• Practice what you preach. Though it may not always seem like it, middle
schoolers still look to their parents for guidance on how to act and navigate
their world. By responding calmly to stressful situations and being tolerant of
others’ differences, you send a positive message to your children about how
grown-ups act.
• Let your children know, from an early age, that relational bullying can
happen. Ideally, families should begin talking about bullying when children are
young — more and more, relational bullying is happening during the elementary
years.
Studies by The Ophelia Project (www.opheliaproject.org) show that that 50
percent of middle school students do not report relational aggressive behaviors
to teachers or administrators. Let kids know it is important to report bullying.
Make it safe for your children to tell you about the things they have seen and
what bothers them. If they tell an adult at the school, reporting can be done
anonymously, often a central concern of students at this age. Parents are also
encouraged to call the principal or guidance counselor if they feel their child
is being bullied.
Queen Bees and Wannabes
Rosalind Wiseman, cofounder of the Empower program and author of the book, Queen
Bees & Wannabes, has studied girls’ behavior for years. The title of the book
comes from Wiseman’s description of the many different groups in “girl world.”
Certain girls are “queen bees” — those that become popular by excluding some
while showering favor on others. Many other girls fall into a category she terms
“wannabes” — girls that want to be popular and often go along with whatever the
“queen bee” does or asks so that they stay in her good graces.
Still others are considered “bystanders” -— those that don’t want to lose their
popular status, but often feel conflicted about the way the “queen bee” and her
clique treat others. According to Wiseman, both the “wannabes” and “bystanders”
are as much a part of the bullying problem as the “queen bees.”
In her book, Wiseman describes the way these groups and others interact —
working to include or exclude each other. She also offers positive information
for families that can help them keep the lines of communication open with their
teens, help them feel good about themselves and teach them to make choices that
don’t include being mean to others. This book was the basis for Mean Girls, a
film that can serve as a great conversation starter for you and your children.
The ugly face of bullying
Bullying can take several forms:
• Physical: hitting, kicking, stealing or damaging the victim's property.
• Verbal: using words to hurt or humiliate.
• Relational: spreading rumors, excluding a person from the peer group.
• Prejudicial: making racial slurs, making fun of cultural, religious or other
differences.
• Sexual harassment: using suggestive words or inappropriate touch.
Bullying usually occurs between individuals who are not friends. The bully may
be bigger, tougher, or have the power to exclude others from his or her social
group.
Lots of kids joke around with each other. This may include name-calling or rough
housing, but these incidents are not necessarily bullying. Bullying has three
characteristics that sets it apart:
• There is a power difference between the bully and the victim.
• The bully intends to hurt, embarrass or humiliate the other person.
• The behavior is repeated, sometimes with others, with the same person, or with
the same person over time.
Schools working to stem the tide of bullying
In 2000, New York Governor George Pataki signed into law the Safe Schools Against Violence in Education Act (Project SAVE) in response to the rise of violence, including bullying, in schools. Not only does this law require schools to include lessons on good character from kindergarten through grade 12, schools now are required to have in place clear policies on how bullying in schools will be handled. If you believe your child is being bullied, please contact the middle school at any of the phone numbers listed on the back page.