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Siblings, not rivals: Some practical ways for parents to help ease sibling rivalry

It is an all-too-familiar scene in families with more than one child –– the newest addition is brought out wrapped in a receiving blanket and placed carefully on the older child’s lap for inspection. After a few awkward moments of cuddling, the eager parents ask their older child "How do you like your new baby?" Although the child’s response varies, it often goes something like this: "She’s nice. When does she go back?"

Crestfallen parents take heart –– although this is not the warm and fuzzy homecoming you envisioned, your child’s reaction doesn’t have to mean the beginning of a difficult sibling relationship. Early childhood experts agree that although jealousy and rivalry between siblings is normal and even expected, there are many steps parents can take to insure that their children learn to respect, love and even become good friends with one another.

Stemming sibling rivalry with a little creativity (and a lot of patience)

According to Beth Duke, who leads workshops on effective parenting, requests for ways of stemming sibling rivalry are tops among the questions she receives from her workshop participants. She offers the following suggestions:

• Let your children know that it is O.K. to have and to express their negative feelings. Parents often try to talk children out of their less-than-positive feelings by saying things like "But you love your brother. You don’t really wish he’d get eaten by a Tyrannosaurus, honey." Rather than trying to sway your children’s opinions, Duke recommends responding in a way that lets them know that what they are feeling is O.K., ("You’re angry because your sister took away the toy you were playing with"), but at the same time offering appropriate ways of dealing with their feelings ("It is frustrating to have something taken away that you are having such fun with, but it is not all right to hit because you are angry. Can you think of another way that you might handle this problem? Maybe you could use your words instead of using your hands.")

• Don’t take sides. Duke says that too often parents step in and try to figure out who started a fight. She says that not only is this nearly impossible, but even if you are sure who started the fight, taking sides only makes things worse. "The more you stay out of minor fights," says Duke, "the quicker they will likely resolve the dispute themselves."

• Allow your children to work through their own problems. Duke says that siblings are likely to fight less when parents step back and encourage their kids to solve their own problems. She says that if everyone seems safe, children should be left to work things out amongst themselves. "I am a big advocate of parents giving themselves the time-out when it comes to their children’s arguments," says Duke. "It is important for parents to know that they don’t have to own, solve, or even get involved in their children’s altercations. Allowing your children the freedom to work through their own problems teaches them to take responsibility for their feelings and their relationships with others."

• Realize that no matter how perfectly you try to parent, you won’t completely eliminate fighting and jealousy between your children. In fact, Duke says that completely eliminating squabbles isn’t ideal. "Children need to be able to practice their problem-solving skills in a safe environment such as their family. An altercation from time to time is both healthy and good preparation for dealing with people in the world outside of the home."

Some suggestions from parents

Providing regular opportunities for one-on-one time with each of your children goes a long way toward stemming feelings of jealousy. For Claudia LeClair, mother of six children ranging from 1 to 13 years old, structured, one-on-one time for each of her children is almost an impossibility.

Despite this, she and her husband Steve make a point to include their children individually as they go about their day-to-day activities. "This may sound silly, but we take advantage of activities like trips to the grocery store or the dump. Really it seems less important what we are doing than that we have the opportunity to have time alone with each of the kids."

For Diane Connolly, parent of four children ages 4 to 10 years old, communication is what works. "The one thing we do that is key is to have family meetings. We set a time and all sit down together to talk about what’s bugging us, what’s bugging them and to set some goals for making things better. We find that our kids really take to heart what we discuss at those meetings."

Theresa Lasselle, who has two children ages 4 and 6 and is expecting a third in August, says that she sees very little rivalry between her children. She attributes this in part to the fact that she and her husband Rich have never expected their older daughter to be a caretaker for her younger brother. "Beyond making sure that he isn’t in danger of being hurt, I have never asked Stephanie to babysit or take care of David. That is my job. I have never wanted her to feel that having a sibling is a burden. I want her to think of it as a gift.

Making time for your child’s imagination to soar

It used to be that the summer months marked a natural slowing down of activities. But for many families keeping up with their older children’s sports, camps and lessons—or for working parents whose jobs keep going despite the season—summer is just as hectic as the rest of the year.

Joan Lawson, head of the Early Childhood Education Department at Hudson Valley Community College, says that despite the fast-paced reality of our lives, families should try to make time for activities that will encourage their children’s imaginations.

"Daycare, the need to prepare a meal at the end of the work day rather than building block towers with your child, deadlines to meet –– these are all part of the necessary structuring of our lives," says Lawson.

Lawson says that parents should always be on the lookout for opportunities that allow their young children to explore their world in unhurried ways. "Not only does this give them room to grow creatively, but it provides the opportunity for children to use their playtime to make sense of what they have seen, heard and discovered during the day," she says.

Lawson offers the following suggestions for summertime activities that will give your children the room to play, to learn about their world and to expand their imaginations:

• Provide your children with play sand along with toys such as containers, cars and trucks, shovels and rakes. If practical, Lawson suggests that the sand be left in unstructured piles rather than bordered by boxes. Opening up the range means that the neighboring tree, picnic table or bush can all become part of the play setting.

• Let them play in the mud from time to time. Give them a hose or some buckets of water and let them water down their sand pile. The beauty of the summer is that, once they’re good and grungy, you can simply hose or rinse them off outdoors!

• Every week or so pack up the old toys and bring out a new batch. (This is done simply by separating your child’s existing stash of toys into one or two boxes that can be stored away in the garage or basement). Rotating your child’s toys provides fresh materials to fuel their creativity.

• Depending on the age of the children, have a neighborhood toy sale. Let the children choose the toys they will sell (for real or just pretend). Creating the flyers (even young children can dictate what the flyer should say and draw accompanying designs or pictures), setting prices and setting up their play cash registers in order to make change all involve practice with language, numbers
  and cooperation.

• Plan a family barbecue. Children can help choose the items for the menu, dictate or draw a shopping list of ingredients, make invitations, help with the shopping, set up for the guests, and do some of the basic cooking.

• Lawson believes that washing the car is an activity that should take place at least once a week during the summer. Provide buckets of soapy water, sponges and a hose or buckets of clean water for rinsing and let your children wash away the heat. They can extend this activity to the deck, the swing set, and their bikes. This is a wonderful way to cool everyone off on the hottest days of the summer.

• Don’t be inhibited by rainy days –– let nature be your sprinkler system. Get outdoors and let your children splash in the puddles and play in the mud. (This is also a great way for parents to cool off when the humidity gets unbearable!)

• Craft supplies don’t have to be saved for formal projects. Bring out the old magazines that are destined for the recycling bin and let your children cut them up for collages (parents can do the cutting for very young children). Cover a table with newspaper and let your children cover it with fingerpaint. Given a couple of empty paper towel rolls, some construction paper and glue sticks, your preschoolers will create the most wonderful instruments, spaceships, flowers, etc.